Dark Thoughts

For the first day since I met Jodie, I've had a dark day. I'm not entirely sure what it was about yesterday, but doubts festered in my mind, and an uneasiness crept over me.

It wasn't so much feelings aimed at Jodie, but more at my life in general. It was disturbing in so many ways, but mostly because of my feelings of emptiness and despair. I finally talked to Jodie last night, and she really did make me feel a lot better about things, but more importantly she helped me identify what it was that was getting me down.

I've had a lot of things on my mind of late, and a lot of little jobs that need to be done. My desk is an absolute mess, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not being particularly effective at work. I've felt this a few times in the past, and it's probably a sign of some deeper dissatisfaction, that I'm not yet aware of. Having clutter in my life like this tends to stop me from getting things done, and I lose my feeling of being effective when this happens.

Anyway, I've started on rectifying the situation. I'm reorganizing things at work. Doing a big day of filing, and getting systems sorted out so that I, and the rest of the team can be more effective. I've got a bit of the same to do at home. A few jobs to finish off, and a bunch of organizing and filing to get done. It's quite a bit of work, but once I get into it, I get it sorted out pretty quickly. I think it's coming up to that annual purge, where I shake off the cobwebs and the shackles of the last year and embark on something new. To do that requires a concerted effort for a week or so, which I guess needs to happen right now, before I leave to go to Turkey, so I will get this sorted out.

We also talked last night (and again, online just now) about us being distracting influences on each other. There's a kind of ironic duality of feelings at play here. On one hand, it's important to work hard at our jobs, and to spend time with our family and friends, but on the other hand there's this almost insatiable desire for us to spend every waking moment with each other. I think that it's important for us to find a harmonious balance between the two extremes. Work is important, but so is making time for each other.

It would be so much easier if we were physically together, because then we would be able to share our time together. We could see friends while being in each other's company, whereas at the moment there is a mutual exclusivity of these two activities. Similarly, it would be easier to concentrate on work if I knew that Jodie and I would be reunited when we returned home. Knowing that we're currently missing out on each other's hugs, and that we can do nothing to rectify it even in our time off work, drives us to spend what time we can in each other's company.
When I'm apart from her (ie not in contact with her) I feel as though something in my life is missing, and that can only be overcome when her attention is on me, and when mine is on her. I guess in many ways I feel as though the bond between us, while strong, is still a tenuous thread. I'm afraid that it will break at any moment and that we'll both go flying off in seperate directions. Having a physically close presence will allow that bond to grow to encompass us both so that we are no longer so nervous about it being severed, because we will both be comfortable that it will always be growing while we are in each other's presence.

And it's not as though I feel any danger of it breaking, but more that I'm enjoying, so much, the feelings that I have when I'm connected with Jodie.

Anyway, to a certain extent our hands are tied, and our actions dictated by external forces at the moment. This will change in the coming year and I'm looking forward to when we have more control over our own destinies. We both have responsibilities to our lives outside of each other, and we need to alter our directions slightly so that our parths merge into each other, so that we are travelling together. This will involve changes for us both, that we are working towards as we speak.

I'm looking forward to that day when we can travel along the road of life, hand in hand, smiling at each other, rather than having to catch glimpses of each other across a couple of lanes of traffic.