Dark Thoughts

Well, here I am in Singapore Changi Airport, awaiting my next flight. It seems my life is just full of travel at the moment, whether it's me making it, or someone else.

Things with Jodie went exceptionally well over the last week. A few moments of "Oh My God - What have I got myself into here", and a few fearful thoughts as memories of past loves surfaced, but I braved the waters, crashed through the waves and found someone wonderful waiting out in the water for me.

I'm not sure who was more scared, her or me, but we managed to work things out between us.

We spent the entire week together, excepting the days when she was in her course, and I worked, taking in many of the better parts of Perth. From Jane Brook Winery, to Alfred's Kitchen, from feeding parrots in John Forrest National Park, to snuggling in the cinema watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (which by the way was an awsome movie). Check it out if you get the chance.

I played a gig as LOST, and recorded it. I've called it "In Transit", for two reasons. Firstly it represents a change in direction for me musically, and secondly LOST In Transit, sounds kinda funky.

The gig was well received, despite having no sound guy, a bad sound system, and a couple of glitches at the start of the gig, but once I got through that, it went smoothly. I even got offers for 3 more gigs, which is great, but means lots more work.

Life is being generous to me at the moment, though I am thankful for the opportunities that are constantly presented to me, even small ones such as the opportunity to feed parrots with Jodie last week. Such a small and unexpected event, but a memory that will stay with us both I think.

Anyway, time is short, and I've got to get my bearings before the next leg of my flight.

Until next time

Well, the inevitable meeting has come and gone, and frankly not much has changed. There's still the same feelings of recognition that we've found in each other.

I'm making this sound like such a let down after such a big build up, but honestly that's not the case. Everything that was there before we met is still there, only now whe we feel like a hug, we can just reach out for each other.

My initial impressions, simply for anyone that has stumbled onto Dark Thoughts and wants that element of completion, well, Jodie is simply stunning. Very much the same as the photo's that she sent me, though those photo's could never really convey those cheeky looks or that smile.

Jodie is a little self concious about herself, though I'm at a loss to understand why. She's great in a social setting, and can easily take command of the conversation in a natural and assertive manner.

Sometimes when I look at her, she seems to get a bit paranoid that I'm looking at some fault, but that's not correct. I'm simply appreciating her beauty ofr what it is, though it's kind of good having her ask what I'm looking at because it gives me the opportunity to shoer her with compliments.

Anyway, it's a pretty minor thing, and one of those things that I myself have been guilty of in the past. For me, it's somthing that I lost when my self image changed, so I know that such things are not immutable elements of our personality. Regardless of any potential self image directions for either of us, this element of her personality is something that I find as something of an innocent shyness. I don't yet think that Jodie has finished growing and THAT excites me.

When Jodie realizes that she does, in fact have so many attributes that others find appealing, rather than focussing on her perceived flaws, I think that she'll bloom, and I'm confident that that will happen sooner rather than later.

Blah...

I sound like an ungrateful git, but seriously I am grateful and do like her just the way she is.

Anyway, the last few days have been seriously busy. I was back at work today and after a huge breakfast and lunch felt absolutely bloated in the afternoon when I was trying to get some work done. I'm back at the hotel room now, next to Jodie. I think that tonight's going to be pretty quiet. Last night was a long night and tomorrow will be a big one, with the LOST gig (9 pm at the Hydie, if you are in Perth).

Probably Sushi, a quick rehearsal at home and finally a DVD. Anyway I've got to go. Jodie wants Sushi.

Well there's a little over 48 hours until I meet Jodie, face to face, for the first time. The feelings that I'm having are impossible to describe. A complex mixture of intrigue, enthusiasm, fear and longing.

It's like being in a state of perpeptual freefall, with my stomach never really catching up with the rest of me.

Work has been busy with file system re-organization, web-site design and Drupal research for our online content management.

In many ways, this has been a good thing because it distracts my mind a little from thoughts of Jodie. Not that I mind having her in my thoughts, but the distraction does tend to dull the free-fall effect a little.

I talked with one of my coworkers today, about the excitement bristling inside of me. It was quite cathartic actually, especially as she has been in a similar situation herself recently. She really has been very supportive to me, and having witnessed how I dealt with my last serious relationship breakdown, she's been somewhat of a tower of strength for me.

Regardless, my feelings for Jodie have grown so strong, so quickly that it would have been impossible for me to resist the force drawing me towards her.

Despite that though is that apprehension; that irrational fear that stirs in people universally, when they resolve to approach the person who is the object of their affections.

For me, that is one of the most frightening thing that I could fathom, so it is a testament to Jodie that I will, in fact, meet her, talk to her and express my feelings to her in a little over two days.

:-S

I spent much of last night working on my set for my upcoming gig on Wednesday the 23rd at the Hydie, in Perth.

I've built this mellow set that is all triggered live on the K2600 from the FCB1010. I will have complete control of the flow of the set, and also real time contol of all of the sounds, in a way that simply is not possible with any other synth on the market.

What is truly unique about this set though is my use of Live Mode. What I'm able to do is to pipe an audio stream (in this case, a CD walkman playing a motivational CD) and in real time process it using VAST.

Now this is nothing new for you Kurzweilers out there, but what might be new is the idea of manipulating the sample length in real time.

This is especially fun with stereo feeds because one of the side effects of changing the sample buffer sample length is that the left and right channels don't necessarily do the same thing!

This creates wierd phasing and delays between left and right channels. Throw the arpeggiator on, and put some PWM in the signal path and you've got some pretty wacked out sounds.

Yep, you read it right - Kurzweils can Pulse Width Modulate a real time audio stream. Cool huh?

Anyway, I was having a rehearsal of my set last night, and it was awesome. Bringing Live Mode, the Arpeggiator and the Arrangement mode together at the same time makes the K2600 a formidible (albeit heavy) live performance tool.

For those who want to see me torture it, get on down to the Hyde Park Hotel (cnr William and Bulwer Streets, North Perth) at 9 pm on Wednesday the 23rd of June. It's going to be lots of fun :)

In other news, it's only 82 hours and 10 minutes until I meet Jodie for the first time. Not that I'm counting or anything :)

It's pretty strange because we feel like we've known each other forever, and that this meeting is more like us being reunited after a long absence.

Sometimes it's spooky how "in tune" with each other we are (to borrow a turn of phrase from Jodie).

This morning, for example, I was just about to hit the send button on a message to her when one arrived from her. This sort of stuff is a very regular occurance though, with similar sychronicities happening on at least a weekly basis.

Anyway, all very spooky, but very welcome :)

Well I spent all day today re-organizing the file structure for our company.

Ouch!!!!

The directory listing came to a full 29 pages of 8 point font, and that's without the files listed. I've got to try to put them into some semblance of organized.

It's not easy considering that the original file system was kind of a mutant between the application the file was created on, the date it was created, the month that it was created (irrespective of the year), who created the document and who the document was created on behalf of.

Nobody really considered doing something sensible like filing them by the client or anything of that nature.

And before you ask - NO!!!! I'm not available for sorting out other company's files!

Once is more than enough.

What is it with this world. I think it's out to deliberately make my life convoluted, complex and generally not able to take any normal directions.

What bought this on?

Well firstly, my job has taken several more twists and turns in the last 6 hours. I'm now to be a web page designer for our new company, which definately wasn't in my job description, so now I get to add that to my already diverse portfolio of database designer, financial modeller, metalurgist, systems administrator, report writer and mud maker. Not that I'm complaining too much, because variety in my job is really good.

Even more surprising though is that my boss raised the idea of me going to China on a more or less permanent basis to basically run our Chinese office. It's not compulsory for me to take the job, but it does present quite a good career opportunity, and will give me some time to really get to know China. I've got some time to think about it which is cool, but if things with Jodie go the way that I'm confident that they will, then there are going to be another set of important things to consider.

I kind of suspected that something like this might present it self in the future, but I didn't expect it quite so soon, and it's caught me a little off guard. I've really just moved into the house that I'm in now, have got my studio set up just the way that I like it, and am generally pretty comfortable after nearly 12 months of continuous moving of houses and I'm not sure if I could envision another move quite so soon (though admittedly I'll have about a year to get used to the idea - but when it comes to me, timetables seem to want to be much more flexible than allowing me to take a year to make a decision).

Anyway it looks like it might be coming up to major decision time in my life again, and perhaps major turning points. The thing is though that none of this scares me. It's quite exhilarating. Between my feelings for Jodie, my career, my music and all the other little things that pop up in my life, things are going along really rather well and I'm looking forward to a future that includes all of these, though exactly how, and indeed if, all of these will integrate into my life to allow it to advance smoothly remains to be seen.

I'm confident that things will all turn out fairly well perfectly, though just how smooth that ride will be remains to be seen.

Anyway, it looks like I'll have a lot to consider over the next 6 months or so.

In other news, my ex-housemate, and good friend Frank today told me that he's now a proud father. Big congrats, Frank, on the birth of Cossette who weighed in at 3.625 kg (or 8lb in the old language) at a height of 50 cm (if she could stand, which at 2 days old is unlikely, so it's more a length than a height at this stage).

I'm really happy for Frank and Amy. Frank was simply glowing last time I saw him, which was about 3 weeks ago, so I can only imagine how happy he is now.

Best of luck for your family in the future guys.

Here I am, sitting in the Flying Scotsman with a Pint of Kilkenny in front of me, waiting for my Pizza.

The Flying Scotsman, in Mt Lawley, West Oz, is a pretty damn cool pub. $10 for a gormet pizza and a pint of your favourite amber liquid (well it's an extra $1.50 for Kilkenny) The pizza's are really good and the music is always groovin.

These guys have done so much for the Perth electronic music scene. They host so many live gigs, that they have become "THE" place to go, to hear live electonic tunes in Perth.

I'm here with my friend Jodie (not the one that's been the subject of my other entries - though I do dearly wish that she was here) and my housemate.

Anyway, if you get the opportunity, check the pub out, especially Sunday afternoons and Thursday nights at the Velvet Lounge (the second room at the Flying Scotsman.)

Anyway, I've gotta get back to the Pizza and the Pint :)

Keep smilin...

Well, I just tried to send a blog entry from my mobile, but I think that I messed up an entry, so I don't think that it went through, and due to how I composed the message, I won't be able to repost it, which is a pity, because in my semi-drunken haze, I managed to put together quite a good little message.

Not to worry, I'll try to make up for it here, though I'm not even going to try to replicate the sentiments of the previous entry. This entry is also being composed on my mobile BTW, so if you don't get to see it, then you'll know something has gone wrong, though, there's a certain clash in logic there somewhere, as without this message you wouldn't be alerted to the fact that there is a blog entry to look out for.

Anyway, there's only 8 days to go until Jodie arrives in Perth, and I'll actually be able to enjoy her company face to face. I'm so excited that after becoming so close in our time on the phone, and via email, that we will now bridge the geographical gap that, until now, has kept us from being able to hold each other.

I don't think that I've really appreciated the concept of physical contact as much as I now am. It's a little sad though, that it has taken such a deprivation to highlight to me what a valuable commodity it is to be able to hold someone in your hands, and how much I take for granted such simple things.

Another thing that I tend to take for granted (and I alluded to this in my presumably failed attempt to post an entry earlier) is the fact that I have a roof over my head.

So many people, the world over do not have even this basic need fulfilled. It was highlighted to me last night, what a luxury it is that I enjoy, living where I do, by the storm that I was briefly caught in. Without shelter I would have been exposed all night to the fury and mercilessness of mother nature.

Anyway, my train is nearly at my station, so I will bid you all adieu.

Until next time, enjoy life.

As Kai Tracid would say. "Life is a gift, to enjoy, yes, that's it. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!"

Well, its now only 8 days until Jodie arrives. Im so
excited that I finally get to meet her.
I think that we are going to have such an incredible
time together in Perth. Its just a pity that it will
be such a brief interlude in which well be able to
hold each other without the geographical challenges
that we both face. Were seriously going to have to do
something about our physical seperation, because its
becoming increasingly obvious that we were meant to be
together. That probably sounds like such an
idealistically romantic notion, but whatever the
reason, we certainly share something very special, and
I, for one, dont ever want to lose that.
Im grateful today, for the fact that I have a roof
over my head. Such a simple right it would seem, but
the storms last night made me grateful for shelter.
Until Tomorrow...

Well, the big filing and cleaning up episode is going well.

I've nearly completely re-organized the filing system here at work and will start on the huge mess that is currently my desk. When I get in these moods it normally becomes contagious, so my filing at home will be next to follow.

I don't know how I aquire so much paper work. I guess that's the price I pay for leading such a busy life. It's great when it's all organized, but getting it to that state is often a little tricky, and always a time consuming exercise. Every now and then I need to take a step away from the hustle and bustle of my life and just get it organized, so that I can move on.

Anyway - filing isn't a particularly interesting exercise to be entertaining you all with, so I'll move on.

I had toastmasters last night, and it went really well. My housemate joined last night, which was awesome, so now there's two of us to run amok :) I'm a little disappointed though, that I'm going to miss out on my opportunity to compete at the area level of the humorous and impromptu competitions. A date change means that there will be a clash with my upcoming trip to Turkey.

After toastmasters though, I helped my housemate with his car. It is having problems when power is applied. We thought it was either air intake related, or something electrical. We changed the plugs, and though the old ones were a little oxidized, they weren't too bad. The RAC guy came around this morning and he thinks it's the airflow meter that controls the fuel injection system, which would make sense.

It's going to cost about $500 to get fixed which is a real pain because cash is a bit short (though isn't it always), but it really needs to be done. I have a sneaky suspicion that one of the mechanics stuffed this, up when they were fixing the engine mount. I think that they wrecked both the air inlet manifold, and also the air flow meter. I'm not sure how, but it seems that they were both damaged at the same time.

I think I've had a rant about mechanics before (see This Entry) This whole incident just re-inforces those views.

I had an interesting revelation last evening. I was waiting to catch the train, and had a huge smile on my face, with thoughts of Jodie. A lot of people looked at me either suspiciously or with wonder. It's as though people have forgotten how to be happy. Why is this?

Life is good for people in Perth. We have an amazing climate, we have little crime, and the city infrastructure is good. Generally people are quite nice, and we don't have to worry about getting killed on our way home from work. Why are people so disattisfied with life?

There is so much to be happy for. Perhaps people have become complacent, wallowing in their own ego's, and perhaps the constant barage of fear being spewed out of the box of horrors in the corner of the lounge room of every house in Australia is puting people on edge.

I'm not sure, but it leaves me feeling a little sad that people have so much, but appreciate it so little. I'm going to make it a point to appreciate all the things I have to feel grateful for. I will find something to feel thankful for every day.

Today I feel grateful that I can talk to the person that has my heart when I choose. Without the technology of the telephone and the infrastructure that our government has put in for us, Jodie and I would never have met and discovered each other. I feel fortunate that she is just a phone call away at any time.

For the first day since I met Jodie, I've had a dark day. I'm not entirely sure what it was about yesterday, but doubts festered in my mind, and an uneasiness crept over me.

It wasn't so much feelings aimed at Jodie, but more at my life in general. It was disturbing in so many ways, but mostly because of my feelings of emptiness and despair. I finally talked to Jodie last night, and she really did make me feel a lot better about things, but more importantly she helped me identify what it was that was getting me down.

I've had a lot of things on my mind of late, and a lot of little jobs that need to be done. My desk is an absolute mess, and sometimes I feel as though I'm not being particularly effective at work. I've felt this a few times in the past, and it's probably a sign of some deeper dissatisfaction, that I'm not yet aware of. Having clutter in my life like this tends to stop me from getting things done, and I lose my feeling of being effective when this happens.

Anyway, I've started on rectifying the situation. I'm reorganizing things at work. Doing a big day of filing, and getting systems sorted out so that I, and the rest of the team can be more effective. I've got a bit of the same to do at home. A few jobs to finish off, and a bunch of organizing and filing to get done. It's quite a bit of work, but once I get into it, I get it sorted out pretty quickly. I think it's coming up to that annual purge, where I shake off the cobwebs and the shackles of the last year and embark on something new. To do that requires a concerted effort for a week or so, which I guess needs to happen right now, before I leave to go to Turkey, so I will get this sorted out.

We also talked last night (and again, online just now) about us being distracting influences on each other. There's a kind of ironic duality of feelings at play here. On one hand, it's important to work hard at our jobs, and to spend time with our family and friends, but on the other hand there's this almost insatiable desire for us to spend every waking moment with each other. I think that it's important for us to find a harmonious balance between the two extremes. Work is important, but so is making time for each other.

It would be so much easier if we were physically together, because then we would be able to share our time together. We could see friends while being in each other's company, whereas at the moment there is a mutual exclusivity of these two activities. Similarly, it would be easier to concentrate on work if I knew that Jodie and I would be reunited when we returned home. Knowing that we're currently missing out on each other's hugs, and that we can do nothing to rectify it even in our time off work, drives us to spend what time we can in each other's company.
When I'm apart from her (ie not in contact with her) I feel as though something in my life is missing, and that can only be overcome when her attention is on me, and when mine is on her. I guess in many ways I feel as though the bond between us, while strong, is still a tenuous thread. I'm afraid that it will break at any moment and that we'll both go flying off in seperate directions. Having a physically close presence will allow that bond to grow to encompass us both so that we are no longer so nervous about it being severed, because we will both be comfortable that it will always be growing while we are in each other's presence.

And it's not as though I feel any danger of it breaking, but more that I'm enjoying, so much, the feelings that I have when I'm connected with Jodie.

Anyway, to a certain extent our hands are tied, and our actions dictated by external forces at the moment. This will change in the coming year and I'm looking forward to when we have more control over our own destinies. We both have responsibilities to our lives outside of each other, and we need to alter our directions slightly so that our parths merge into each other, so that we are travelling together. This will involve changes for us both, that we are working towards as we speak.

I'm looking forward to that day when we can travel along the road of life, hand in hand, smiling at each other, rather than having to catch glimpses of each other across a couple of lanes of traffic.

Another action packed weekend for me. Friday saw the departure of our Managing Director from our company, after a long and much respected career. This involved much drinking from about 11am until stumps, at around 6pm. I then had to go to another party, and I rounded off my night on the phone to Jodie.

This was repeated on Saturday night with another daparture party, followed by a night at the local goth club Sin. This was an interesting little affair, as I had barely been in the club for 5 minutes when some girl groped me.

In my long experience of clubbing, I've never had this happen to me, so it was seriously surreal. A girl coming up, saying "You" and then proceeding to touch you, is quite an unusual experience. If I were trying that on to a girl, I'm sure it would get me slapped, but I was simply too stunned for words.

I didn't even know this girl either, though apparently she'd seen me around before.

After this incident, she promptly vanished into the crowd at the club, never to be seen again.

Weird huh? I'm beginning to think that perhaps I shouldn't have had that shot of Absinth...

Anyway, Sunday was a new day, and a new party.

Ministry of sound at Perth Metropolis.

Here's my review of the night in a nutshell.

Didn't have to line up, which was a bonus, but the club was pretty seriously packed. Finding a spot to dance was tricky, but we managed to find a corner of the second floor balcony which was good, except for the low roof.

The first DJ was Derek Carter, who played, in my opinion, an amazingly uninspiring set. It was mixed well and all that, but there were simply no high points in the entire set. No breakdowns and no builds. Just 2 1/2 hours of the same rolling beat and bass line. It got me yawning after 1/2 an hour.

Next up were Infusion, who played a live set. Much respect to these guys. Not exactly my cup of tea, but they do what they do well, and the set was very much live. Some stompin tunes and the crowd seemed to like it, though there were a few flat moments.

Lastly was another DJ, who's name escapes me at the moment, which is a pity, because he was by far the best of the bunch. He played a great hard/dark trance set and really got the dancefloor moving. The other two acts, while competent, didn't really play stuff that inspired the dancefloor, particularly the first DJ. I spent most of the first set watching the people on pills playing with each other in the club. The second set was fairly exciting visually, especially when the lazer came on, and the last set saw me don my mask and go and interact with the crowd and dance.

Overall a good night, except that I couldn't buy a drink after 2 am, which was a pity.

Again, I rang Jodie shortly after I got home, and then later in the day.

We are really growing so close, it's a bit scary at times. I never thought it would be possible to find someone like her. She seems to really want everything that I want.

Increasingly I get the feeling that we are meant to be together, and I'm looking forward to a long happy life together with her. That probably seems a weird and full on admission considering the short time that we've known each other, but it simply just feels so right.

She left me lost for words this weekend when she sent me a SMS. I simply didn't know how to respond, the feelings left in me being so strong.

I've reproduced the message here for prosterity.

I am going to go through the dictionary and underline all of the words that help me describe you and how you make me feel, and then I am going to write them on scraps of paper in an ink of perfume, and then place them all in a bath of hot water so that my feelings for you infuse into you and you can soak in my love.

I'm not entirely sure what it was about that message that had me feeling so strongly. Probably the originality of thought. It's not a cliche, but yet it summarises her feelings so well, and in her own words.

After Sandra, I never thought that I'd have these feelings again, so it is doubly surprising for me. Firstly because I didn't believe that I'd ever find someone else, but secondly because the person that I have found, seems to be so well suited to me, even more so than Sandra.

The feelings that have welled in me have far surpassed those that I had felt in my previous relationships, and it is still so early. I thought that I had known love before, but I'm now beginning to think that perhaps I was mistaken. This is something so different and so much more powerful than all of my previous feelings.

It's like I'm perched on the cusp of a wave, awaiting it's crash, and the ride of excitement that it will bring with it. It's like that moment of anticipation when you stand on a platform with the bungy rope around your ankle. It's not a sense of danger that I feel, but anticipation for the adventure that I'm about to embark on. It's a sense of almost overwhelming excitement and I know that I'm going to enjoy the journey, and will forever want to stay on the ride.

I hope that it never ends.

I'm looking forward to discovering what the future holds for us.

Alone
An autumn leaf - your support
Timidly you edge towards the interface
To better enjoy the view.

The boundless horizon
Makes your heart jump.
Such a long way up
From which to fall.

Alone
A Breath
An autumn breeze, I move
To be near you

Gently I caress
With clumsy fingers
I brush the leaf
Falls, and gently tumbles
Earthward.

Panicking, your wings tangled,
Failed to open.

Sadness is me as I howl
Through black wooded forrest.
Fearfully I run, and you
Tumble

As I realize my strength
To once again hold your leaf aloft
To be with me.

Gently I breathe,
The barest of breath.

Pond waters still,
But the leaf hovers
As you once again
Open your eyes, to catch
My reflection upon the pond,
My whispers upon the breeze,
As you open your wings to take flight with me;

My Complement

Yesterday was a day of mixed emotions. I found out I was to do some more travelling in the near future, though that conflicted with one of my opportunities to catch up with Jodie, and it means that I'm going to be away from home for quite some time. It will be a great experience I'm sure, but still, I have great experiences right here in Perth.

Also, I had a long chat with my housemate about where we are both at. He's just finished the Landmark Forum and was telling me some of the things that he got out of it. I've been a bit of a cynic about landmark for a while now. Nothing in particular, except that it seems to be surrounded by some sort of shroud of secrecy, and seems to be almost some style of pyrimid sales scheme. My last concerns were put to rest my my housemate who told me that while they encourage graduates to enrol others in the course, that there is no actual sales scheme in force here.

Anyway, he seemed to get a lot out of the forum, and told me that I'd probably get something out of it also. Maybe I'll look at this again in the future, but I don't feel that it's for me right at the moment. I think that some people probably get an awful lot out of the forum, but honestly I've dealt with my demons from the past, and am developing traits in myself that I want to be part of my person in going forward. Maybe it will give me some new enthusiasm or give me some new techniques for improving myself, but I'll wait and see I guess.

Yesterday was also hectic from the point of view of work. Lots of corporate strategy and updates on recent events with the company, including our recent trip to China.

I also had squash last night. My tender pinky made squash a little uncomfortable, though I did manage to play a few good games. Worked up a sweat and overall had a pretty good time.

Also my housemate took some cool photo's of me last night. I was all rugged up for the cold weather with a black shirt and grey tie, and in my swedish naval jacket.

Here is the result...



Anyway, I like it, and will probably use it for promo shots for LOST, my mellow musical moniker.