Monday, October 27, 2003
I've been slack - kinda
Well, I haven't been updating the blog like a good little blogger would, but as this is all depressing and stuff, I'm sure it's not been missed too much.
Anyway, last week was pretty darn hectic.
I'm currently arranging financing, partnership agreements, settlement agents and all the rest of stuff for the house that I'm buying in partnership with my best mate.
It's kind of got me on edge a bit. Not because it isn't a good deal, coz it is - for both of us, but because I'll be going into business with a mate, which is something that I said I didn't want to do. Anyway - I hope that I can prove the doubters wrong and this will end up being a great deal for the both of us with us both making boatloads of money.
The finance is all but approved and I'll have a pretty busy week getting all of my research together to support recent sales history for my valuation.
I also have to clean out my other house, but I think I'll take a week off to do that and to move all of my belongings to the new house and to spruce the place up a bit.
In other news LD 120 will be gigging on the 21st of November at The Velvet Lounge. It will be my first gig in a year, and will be a lot of fun. If you're in Perth and want to see a Kurzweil get tortured, then get on down. I'll be doing a real-time remix between songs from 7 or 8 bands and seriously messing with the audio on the way. It will be one of the most "live" electronic acts ever seen in Perth with no computers being used for control and everything happening on the spur of the moment.
It will be reminiscent of the old Interzone days, but quite a bit better really.
Also - I've got a date this Thursday. May not seem like much, but it'll be my first real date in nearly 10 years and I'm actually pretty damn nervous about the whole thing. I've got my life to a nice and comfortable situation and here I am inviting a girl to come in and mess the whole damn thing up.
Why do I do it to myself???
OK - don't answer that. Anyway, she's a nice girl and the night should be fun. I'm playing the whole thing by ear at the moment. No expectations and no pressure. If things work out, then that's cool, otherwise I think we'll still be friends.
It's been a long time since girls have ventured seriously into my thoughts. Maybe that explains the bad mood I've been in recently :). Anyway - I guess I'll play along for now and see how much trouble I can get myself into. Besides, it's not really right that I go on complaining about being single if I snub every opportunity that comes my way.
Well it's lunch time - so see ya's all tomorrow (or the next day, if I can't be bothered posting tomorrow)
Anyway, last week was pretty darn hectic.
I'm currently arranging financing, partnership agreements, settlement agents and all the rest of stuff for the house that I'm buying in partnership with my best mate.
It's kind of got me on edge a bit. Not because it isn't a good deal, coz it is - for both of us, but because I'll be going into business with a mate, which is something that I said I didn't want to do. Anyway - I hope that I can prove the doubters wrong and this will end up being a great deal for the both of us with us both making boatloads of money.
The finance is all but approved and I'll have a pretty busy week getting all of my research together to support recent sales history for my valuation.
I also have to clean out my other house, but I think I'll take a week off to do that and to move all of my belongings to the new house and to spruce the place up a bit.
In other news LD 120 will be gigging on the 21st of November at The Velvet Lounge. It will be my first gig in a year, and will be a lot of fun. If you're in Perth and want to see a Kurzweil get tortured, then get on down. I'll be doing a real-time remix between songs from 7 or 8 bands and seriously messing with the audio on the way. It will be one of the most "live" electronic acts ever seen in Perth with no computers being used for control and everything happening on the spur of the moment.
It will be reminiscent of the old Interzone days, but quite a bit better really.
Also - I've got a date this Thursday. May not seem like much, but it'll be my first real date in nearly 10 years and I'm actually pretty damn nervous about the whole thing. I've got my life to a nice and comfortable situation and here I am inviting a girl to come in and mess the whole damn thing up.
Why do I do it to myself???
OK - don't answer that. Anyway, she's a nice girl and the night should be fun. I'm playing the whole thing by ear at the moment. No expectations and no pressure. If things work out, then that's cool, otherwise I think we'll still be friends.
It's been a long time since girls have ventured seriously into my thoughts. Maybe that explains the bad mood I've been in recently :). Anyway - I guess I'll play along for now and see how much trouble I can get myself into. Besides, it's not really right that I go on complaining about being single if I snub every opportunity that comes my way.
Well it's lunch time - so see ya's all tomorrow (or the next day, if I can't be bothered posting tomorrow)
Wednesday, October 22, 2003
Buck's Night
Well - What a weekend.
Friday night was a pretty quiet affair as I recharged my batteries to what prooved to be a fun, exhausting Buck's night for a good mate Mike.
Mike's getting married in November to a great girl Sarah, and Friday night was our chance to help celebrate the upcoming wedding with our mate Mike.
We started off with a game of cricket and a few beers and then headed off to the Paddington Ale house. An hour later and we had moved to the Wembley that was absolutely packed with Rugby supporters as the big England/South Africa game was on. A few more beers and then off to the Captain Stirling. That was pretty dead but we still had beers and had a good chance for chatting.
Next up was the Hyde Park. By this time Mike was up to 3 shooters - Chatreuse at the Hydie to the dulcent tones of some 17 yo Heavy Metal band. Actually they weren't that bad for such a young band, and the sound guy actually did a pretty good job.
Anyway - next stop was the Scotsman where even more shooters were to be had. I ended up chatting to Kylie - behind the bar and had a Long Island Iced Tea.
Last stop was Ambar where I danced the night away. Thanks to the girls who took photo's of me dancing for stroking my ego. T'was a nice feeling. Hope ya not laughing too hard at the photos. :)
And best of luck to Mike and Sarah.
Other stuff that's happening is my next house purchase. I got word back that finance should be ready by early next week. That will take alot of pressure off Mark, and will get me into a house - Riverfront Bayswater.
Another speech tonight. Speaking in Praise. I think I'll do it on my cat. That should be fun.
Oh - and thanks Anon E Mous - for the comment. Twas a pleasant surprise to get the little email popup saying - "someones been over there at Dark Thoughts, and was kind enough to leave a comment."
If anyone else is reading - do leave a comment. Be entertaining, rip my blog to pieces, whatever. Most of this stuff is right off the top of my head anyway and a bit of controversy is always a good thing.
Anyway - that's all for now.
Friday night was a pretty quiet affair as I recharged my batteries to what prooved to be a fun, exhausting Buck's night for a good mate Mike.
Mike's getting married in November to a great girl Sarah, and Friday night was our chance to help celebrate the upcoming wedding with our mate Mike.
We started off with a game of cricket and a few beers and then headed off to the Paddington Ale house. An hour later and we had moved to the Wembley that was absolutely packed with Rugby supporters as the big England/South Africa game was on. A few more beers and then off to the Captain Stirling. That was pretty dead but we still had beers and had a good chance for chatting.
Next up was the Hyde Park. By this time Mike was up to 3 shooters - Chatreuse at the Hydie to the dulcent tones of some 17 yo Heavy Metal band. Actually they weren't that bad for such a young band, and the sound guy actually did a pretty good job.
Anyway - next stop was the Scotsman where even more shooters were to be had. I ended up chatting to Kylie - behind the bar and had a Long Island Iced Tea.
Last stop was Ambar where I danced the night away. Thanks to the girls who took photo's of me dancing for stroking my ego. T'was a nice feeling. Hope ya not laughing too hard at the photos. :)
And best of luck to Mike and Sarah.
Other stuff that's happening is my next house purchase. I got word back that finance should be ready by early next week. That will take alot of pressure off Mark, and will get me into a house - Riverfront Bayswater.
Another speech tonight. Speaking in Praise. I think I'll do it on my cat. That should be fun.
Oh - and thanks Anon E Mous - for the comment. Twas a pleasant surprise to get the little email popup saying - "someones been over there at Dark Thoughts, and was kind enough to leave a comment."
If anyone else is reading - do leave a comment. Be entertaining, rip my blog to pieces, whatever. Most of this stuff is right off the top of my head anyway and a bit of controversy is always a good thing.
Anyway - that's all for now.
Friday, October 17, 2003
Mechanics
OK - well I didn't make it to 100 km this week because it was raining this morning, and riding is pretty friggin unpleasant under those conditions.
Anyway - spent last night helping (actually I was mainly watching) a mate fix his car. The oil in his gearbox was pretty thick and chunky and the gears weren't changing too well.
Basically we drained the sump changed the filter, flushed it out and refilled it again. Took us about 4 hours total cost - 'bout $100 plus a bottle of scotch.
Now here's the thing. The mechanic who quoted to fix this problem stated that the gearbox was completely stuffed and would need to be replaced. No question! When asked if the oil should be changed he strongly warned against it telling my mate that he risked even more damage to his car if he did this, and should, under no circumstances change the oil.
No where do mechanics get off on preying on people who aren't completely educated with the mechanics of their own cars. My mate was in the process of organizing a loan to get this gearbox fixed when another of his mates told him he'd have a look.
Nor is this an isolated occurance. I have a '97 Hilux - and it had about 65 000km on the clock. There was a bit of a back end shudder when the clutch was engaged. I asked them to have a look at it and they advised me that I needed a new rear diff. No question - it's cactus mate, and if you keep driving it your car will stop and you'll probably wreck your gearbox, transfer case and maybe the engine itself. We'll order you a replacement now - I'll need a $1000 deposit - will that be cash or credit?
Well - $1000 in a pressure sale wasn't in my line of thinking (and having had a little experience with this particular Toyota service centre royally fucking things up in the past with company vehicles) I told them that I'd have to think about it a bit.
Again, it was a mate to the rescue. Now I'm not a mechanic, but I know enough to do my own services, oil changes etc on my hilux - but a diff is out of my experience range. However my mate (for a carton of crownies) had a look at it for me. He found that the centre bearing on the propellor shaft seemed to be a bit worn and advised that it could well be the problem.
I booked this into a different mechanic (who came highly recommended and had a 2 week waiting list) and he ordered the centre bearing and replaced it for me.
He said that whoever had been messing around with the uni joints (probably when the heavy duty springs were installed) had put them back together wrong with yokes not properly aligned. This was the cause of the shudder. He put it back together for me and told me that it was a good thing that I noticed it because it would have ended up wrecking the diff, transfer case and the gearbox, because of the vibration.
So these jokers wanted to charge me $3000 to change 4 friggin bolts.
So what did I learn? Always seek a second opinion from someone you trust when expensive repairs are recommended, and where possible do the repairs yourself. At least you'll know that they are done properly, and that the mechanic didn't forget to refill the engine with oil after the oil change (don't laugh - I've experienced this one myself!!!)
Anyway - my mate's car now works like new and he's over the moon. Thanks to Paul (Mark's mate) and the other Paul (for the beers and Pizza) for the entertainment last night, and for getting Mark back on the road. Lord know's he's had enough shit flung his way in the last few months - but things are turning around.
Anyway - spent last night helping (actually I was mainly watching) a mate fix his car. The oil in his gearbox was pretty thick and chunky and the gears weren't changing too well.
Basically we drained the sump changed the filter, flushed it out and refilled it again. Took us about 4 hours total cost - 'bout $100 plus a bottle of scotch.
Now here's the thing. The mechanic who quoted to fix this problem stated that the gearbox was completely stuffed and would need to be replaced. No question! When asked if the oil should be changed he strongly warned against it telling my mate that he risked even more damage to his car if he did this, and should, under no circumstances change the oil.
No where do mechanics get off on preying on people who aren't completely educated with the mechanics of their own cars. My mate was in the process of organizing a loan to get this gearbox fixed when another of his mates told him he'd have a look.
Nor is this an isolated occurance. I have a '97 Hilux - and it had about 65 000km on the clock. There was a bit of a back end shudder when the clutch was engaged. I asked them to have a look at it and they advised me that I needed a new rear diff. No question - it's cactus mate, and if you keep driving it your car will stop and you'll probably wreck your gearbox, transfer case and maybe the engine itself. We'll order you a replacement now - I'll need a $1000 deposit - will that be cash or credit?
Well - $1000 in a pressure sale wasn't in my line of thinking (and having had a little experience with this particular Toyota service centre royally fucking things up in the past with company vehicles) I told them that I'd have to think about it a bit.
Again, it was a mate to the rescue. Now I'm not a mechanic, but I know enough to do my own services, oil changes etc on my hilux - but a diff is out of my experience range. However my mate (for a carton of crownies) had a look at it for me. He found that the centre bearing on the propellor shaft seemed to be a bit worn and advised that it could well be the problem.
I booked this into a different mechanic (who came highly recommended and had a 2 week waiting list) and he ordered the centre bearing and replaced it for me.
He said that whoever had been messing around with the uni joints (probably when the heavy duty springs were installed) had put them back together wrong with yokes not properly aligned. This was the cause of the shudder. He put it back together for me and told me that it was a good thing that I noticed it because it would have ended up wrecking the diff, transfer case and the gearbox, because of the vibration.
So these jokers wanted to charge me $3000 to change 4 friggin bolts.
So what did I learn? Always seek a second opinion from someone you trust when expensive repairs are recommended, and where possible do the repairs yourself. At least you'll know that they are done properly, and that the mechanic didn't forget to refill the engine with oil after the oil change (don't laugh - I've experienced this one myself!!!)
Anyway - my mate's car now works like new and he's over the moon. Thanks to Paul (Mark's mate) and the other Paul (for the beers and Pizza) for the entertainment last night, and for getting Mark back on the road. Lord know's he's had enough shit flung his way in the last few months - but things are turning around.
Thursday, October 16, 2003
Another Day
Ooops - something else I forgot. I've got a birthday party for Ella at Scott and Sonia's place on Sunday the 26th of October at 10 am.
Rode into work today - which was fun, but pretty hard work.
I've vowed to do at least 100 km per week - coz I'm fat and I'm sick of it.
So far this week I've done 65 kms (though I didn't ride on Monday).
I should get 90 km done this week - which isn't bad for a first week.
Other stuff I'm trying to motivate myself to keep doing is to keep my environments tidy. I can be a bit of a messy little bugger at times. I think it's the way I think. I like to have everything withing eye shot and easy reach even if it means piling stuff around me on the floor. I remember where stuff is and have a wierd spatial filing system - but it ain't real asthetic. I'm working on staying orgainized and tidy to acheive the same sense of having what I need to do a job, when I need it.
I'll write some more in the near future on other aims I have - but those are the two big ones at the moment.
Lose weight and Stay tidy.
Rode into work today - which was fun, but pretty hard work.
I've vowed to do at least 100 km per week - coz I'm fat and I'm sick of it.
So far this week I've done 65 kms (though I didn't ride on Monday).
I should get 90 km done this week - which isn't bad for a first week.
Other stuff I'm trying to motivate myself to keep doing is to keep my environments tidy. I can be a bit of a messy little bugger at times. I think it's the way I think. I like to have everything withing eye shot and easy reach even if it means piling stuff around me on the floor. I remember where stuff is and have a wierd spatial filing system - but it ain't real asthetic. I'm working on staying orgainized and tidy to acheive the same sense of having what I need to do a job, when I need it.
I'll write some more in the near future on other aims I have - but those are the two big ones at the moment.
Lose weight and Stay tidy.
Wednesday, October 15, 2003
Busy Week Ahead
OK - I've got another speech to do next Wednesday at a dinner meeting and I don't know what to talk about. I could do the entertaining speech or I could do a speaking in Praise of someone, which I might just do - tho I don't know who - maybe Mark?
Had a good ride into work this morning on the deadly treadly. Not much traffic, but the air was a little cool.
It will be great when the cycleway along the Midland Railway is finished. Even just getting the thing down to Bayswater will get the worst section of road out of the way.
I'm doing about 25km per day at the moment, though when I find the distance a bit too easy, I'll probably loop around to the south side of the river to increase it up to about 40km.
I'll probably go for a ride this weekend to test the distance, so if ya see some mad bastard riding around on a black Giant Hybrid, then wave to them - coz it may well be me.
Other stuff - Next week's looking pretty damn busy.
18th - Mike's Buck's night - woohoo
21st - MMF meeting, my mum wants me to go to the Speechcraft course, have got squash and something else is on that I can't remember off the top of my head
22nd - Toastmasters Dinner meeting
23rd - Coolbellup Tavern to see Monica perform at the karaoke finals - should be fun
24th - am partying with Kate
25th - will probably be back at Sin
I'm sure heaps of other stuff will also raise it's head
Well that's about all I can be arsed putting up today - so you'll have to wait till tomorrow for the next gripping episode of Dark Thoughts {insert the scarey music and fade to credits}
Had a good ride into work this morning on the deadly treadly. Not much traffic, but the air was a little cool.
It will be great when the cycleway along the Midland Railway is finished. Even just getting the thing down to Bayswater will get the worst section of road out of the way.
I'm doing about 25km per day at the moment, though when I find the distance a bit too easy, I'll probably loop around to the south side of the river to increase it up to about 40km.
I'll probably go for a ride this weekend to test the distance, so if ya see some mad bastard riding around on a black Giant Hybrid, then wave to them - coz it may well be me.
Other stuff - Next week's looking pretty damn busy.
18th - Mike's Buck's night - woohoo
21st - MMF meeting, my mum wants me to go to the Speechcraft course, have got squash and something else is on that I can't remember off the top of my head
22nd - Toastmasters Dinner meeting
23rd - Coolbellup Tavern to see Monica perform at the karaoke finals - should be fun
24th - am partying with Kate
25th - will probably be back at Sin
I'm sure heaps of other stuff will also raise it's head
Well that's about all I can be arsed putting up today - so you'll have to wait till tomorrow for the next gripping episode of Dark Thoughts {insert the scarey music and fade to credits}
Tuesday, October 14, 2003
No Poem Today
OK, there's no poem today, not that anyone will probably notice, coz I'm probably the only person in the world who actually comes to this backwater of the web.
If you do read this, at least pop a comment on the end to tell me that I'm wrong. Will it change anything - nope, but I'll get a little email to tell me that someone has stuck a comment on a post and that will make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Anyway - I'll put some more poems up in the next week or so and when I've run out of poems from my tormented teenage years, I'll start sticking up lyrics from my songs of my cyberpunk years.
Last night I completed my CTM for Toastmasters with a spectacular speech on Bacterial Leaching. I was asked to present something on it, and as my speech was #9 (Persuade with Power) I did it as a sales job.
Energetic and loud would be two adjectives to describe the speech, and thanks to Barry, who evaluated me.
A few points to remember for next time: Don't move around so much, make my hand gestures count, don't be so technical (though I thought I did a pretty good job of taking a subject that baffles most PhD's and post docs and getting a message across to a crowd of people who's education in the mining industry is predominantly sourced from the media. Note: This isn't to say that the audience is uneducated, just that their specialties lie in different areas).
A couple of other recommendations were made and I did note them down, but my notepad isn't with me so I'll have to go and have a look at them.
Anyway - I was happy with the speech, except it was a bit long, and am looking forward to my next speech at the Swan dinner meeting next Wednesday.
Till tomorrow - Nannu Nannu.
If you do read this, at least pop a comment on the end to tell me that I'm wrong. Will it change anything - nope, but I'll get a little email to tell me that someone has stuck a comment on a post and that will make me feel all warm and fuzzy.
Anyway - I'll put some more poems up in the next week or so and when I've run out of poems from my tormented teenage years, I'll start sticking up lyrics from my songs of my cyberpunk years.
Last night I completed my CTM for Toastmasters with a spectacular speech on Bacterial Leaching. I was asked to present something on it, and as my speech was #9 (Persuade with Power) I did it as a sales job.
Energetic and loud would be two adjectives to describe the speech, and thanks to Barry, who evaluated me.
A few points to remember for next time: Don't move around so much, make my hand gestures count, don't be so technical (though I thought I did a pretty good job of taking a subject that baffles most PhD's and post docs and getting a message across to a crowd of people who's education in the mining industry is predominantly sourced from the media. Note: This isn't to say that the audience is uneducated, just that their specialties lie in different areas).
A couple of other recommendations were made and I did note them down, but my notepad isn't with me so I'll have to go and have a look at them.
Anyway - I was happy with the speech, except it was a bit long, and am looking forward to my next speech at the Swan dinner meeting next Wednesday.
Till tomorrow - Nannu Nannu.
Monday, October 13, 2003
Live!
Live for today.
Live for today, not tomorrow,
Because tomorrow may not be.
Tomorrow may not come.
Live for today.
Live for now, not yesterday
Because yesterday has gone and can not be changed.
Yesterday cannot come.
Today is Life.
Now is Life.
Life is Love
And Life is Experience.
Live for Life,
Live for Love
And
Live for Experience.
We cannot change what we were
And will not live long enough to experience everything,
So Live now, Experience now and Love now,
For Now is Now, Today is Today and Life is Life.
Live for today, not tomorrow,
Because tomorrow may not be.
Tomorrow may not come.
Live for today.
Live for now, not yesterday
Because yesterday has gone and can not be changed.
Yesterday cannot come.
Today is Life.
Now is Life.
Life is Love
And Life is Experience.
Live for Life,
Live for Love
And
Live for Experience.
We cannot change what we were
And will not live long enough to experience everything,
So Live now, Experience now and Love now,
For Now is Now, Today is Today and Life is Life.
Friday, October 10, 2003
Foreva
Someone once told me that life was finite
But somehow I just cannot visualize a finality to life.
You see I'm going to live foreva.
You don't beleive me.
I'm telling you-
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME!
-Wipe away your doubt.
Wire away your knowledge
Trust your feelings and
Let your primal instincts dictate what you believe
You see I'm going to live Foreva
Now you are beginning to believe.
You see I'm going to live Foreva.
I will be immortal.
If I die I shall be remembered and
If I amd not remembered I will live.
But somehow I just cannot visualize a finality to life.
You see I'm going to live foreva.
You don't beleive me.
I'm telling you-
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME!
-Wipe away your doubt.
Wire away your knowledge
Trust your feelings and
Let your primal instincts dictate what you believe
You see I'm going to live Foreva
Now you are beginning to believe.
You see I'm going to live Foreva.
I will be immortal.
If I die I shall be remembered and
If I amd not remembered I will live.
Thursday, October 09, 2003
Freedom - The Beginning
Shit!
I have been rescued,
And I was saved.
I thank you,
Thou is beautiful, sweet and ...
I hate you.
I hate you because of my Love.
I want...
I want...
I thought it would be so great
but it's not my fault.
Not since I was Seven.
Over 10 years.
-That's more than half my life...
-All of my teens.
I hate them who desensitized my emotions.
Now I can Love but I can't show it.
I want to but...
But I'm too afraid.
I don't want to be hurt.
I want it...
I want everything...
My shield is deep,
My shield is strong,
My shield is inpenetrable,
And it seems that my shield can't be controlled.
I would be shattered if
You got close, got inside and
then...
Killed, Murdered and Tormented...
I don't know what to do...
Public Portrayal is so false,
So Plastic,
So Loveless.
I am lost in an unexplored,
Unknown, Alien Environment
With Razor wire on the horizons
And pleasure, fulfilment and her beyond.
I want it all.
I want everything that...
I am glass, I am crystal, I am fine but
I
Am
Fragile
I break easily and cannot be repaired.
I am lost in the land of love.
That which I have wanted so long
I have; but is is real?
I can't see her feelings.
I don't know if it's true
I don't know.
It's frustrating but
Is there a NOT?
Maybe my choice was wrong?
I want it all so much
I want everything that she can give me
but I am paralysed
I cannot move.
I must be manipulated.
I am emotion on remote control
I want leadership
I lack experience, actually
My experience is measured to the left of zero.
That is bad!
And it's not my fault.
I want you-
I do!
But I can't reach.
You move away
You make it hard
-Like 300 Knot headwinds.
I read your message
I hear your notes
But secrecy causes Jealousy
And Torment causes Anger
And These are not me.
-These you cause and the unspeakable is the volatile catalyst.
Haven't you ever heard of spontaneous combustion?
My silver tipped tongue is eager to taste your gold-plated heart
But it's way is barred by quick action. You turn away
You go
Or...
...There are spectators waiting for a blood bath and
egging us on but turning me off.
I hate public scrutiny
I hate those jesting and making fun of me
I hate it!
Mental Scars never heal
And emotional scars are worse
And I am scar tissue
- - -
I do
I will I want to
but - I can't......
Help me break through
But be kine - hold my hand,
Kiss me, hold me, taste me, feel me,
I am yours
BUT
Treat me kind
Lead me, Show me, Keep me,
Protect me, Love Me......
Love Me...
Love Me!
I will respond but I need nururing.
I am a seed waiting for warmth, water and a caring hand
And I hope that I haven't been taken for the wrong reason
I want to
I really do but I need your help.
Shit!
I do
I will
I Love You and
I will remember.
I Love You
I have been rescued,
And I was saved.
I thank you,
Thou is beautiful, sweet and ...
I hate you.
I hate you because of my Love.
I want...
I want...
I thought it would be so great
but it's not my fault.
Not since I was Seven.
Over 10 years.
-That's more than half my life...
-All of my teens.
I hate them who desensitized my emotions.
Now I can Love but I can't show it.
I want to but...
But I'm too afraid.
I don't want to be hurt.
I want it...
I want everything...
My shield is deep,
My shield is strong,
My shield is inpenetrable,
And it seems that my shield can't be controlled.
I would be shattered if
You got close, got inside and
then...
Killed, Murdered and Tormented...
I don't know what to do...
Public Portrayal is so false,
So Plastic,
So Loveless.
I am lost in an unexplored,
Unknown, Alien Environment
With Razor wire on the horizons
And pleasure, fulfilment and her beyond.
I want it all.
I want everything that...
I am glass, I am crystal, I am fine but
I
Am
Fragile
I break easily and cannot be repaired.
I am lost in the land of love.
That which I have wanted so long
I have; but is is real?
I can't see her feelings.
I don't know if it's true
I don't know.
It's frustrating but
Is there a NOT?
Maybe my choice was wrong?
I want it all so much
I want everything that she can give me
but I am paralysed
I cannot move.
I must be manipulated.
I am emotion on remote control
I want leadership
I lack experience, actually
My experience is measured to the left of zero.
That is bad!
And it's not my fault.
I want you-
I do!
But I can't reach.
You move away
You make it hard
-Like 300 Knot headwinds.
I read your message
I hear your notes
But secrecy causes Jealousy
And Torment causes Anger
And These are not me.
-These you cause and the unspeakable is the volatile catalyst.
Haven't you ever heard of spontaneous combustion?
My silver tipped tongue is eager to taste your gold-plated heart
But it's way is barred by quick action. You turn away
You go
Or...
...There are spectators waiting for a blood bath and
egging us on but turning me off.
I hate public scrutiny
I hate those jesting and making fun of me
I hate it!
Mental Scars never heal
And emotional scars are worse
And I am scar tissue
- - -
I do
I will I want to
but - I can't......
Help me break through
But be kine - hold my hand,
Kiss me, hold me, taste me, feel me,
I am yours
BUT
Treat me kind
Lead me, Show me, Keep me,
Protect me, Love Me......
Love Me...
Love Me!
I will respond but I need nururing.
I am a seed waiting for warmth, water and a caring hand
And I hope that I haven't been taken for the wrong reason
I want to
I really do but I need your help.
Shit!
I do
I will
I Love You and
I will remember.
I Love You
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
I Don't Know!
I love you, but,
I love you.
Oh boy!
Why is love so definite
Yet so vague
Why don't we know
What we should?
It's not fair!
It's not a question of
What or why,
But rather who and how.
How do you choose
What is right and what is wrong?
How do we know?
Do we give up what we have devoted so long to
And go with the new?
Or do we remain faithful
To the one we have loved for so long?
The choice is hard and so is the journe!
There are so many risks
But these must be risked!
Who gets me?
Who do I get
I love you, but,
I love you.
Oh boy!
I love you.
Oh boy!
Why is love so definite
Yet so vague
Why don't we know
What we should?
It's not fair!
It's not a question of
What or why,
But rather who and how.
How do you choose
What is right and what is wrong?
How do we know?
Do we give up what we have devoted so long to
And go with the new?
Or do we remain faithful
To the one we have loved for so long?
The choice is hard and so is the journe!
There are so many risks
But these must be risked!
Who gets me?
Who do I get
I love you, but,
I love you.
Oh boy!
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Under the Underworld
What happens when we decompose?
Bloated maggots Bloat!
We visit worms and...
they take us home...
We visit other places away from our imaginations
Deep beneath infested soil
Infested with our souls
that sleep restless.
They are lost but have their own place
a place forever changing
undefined by physical boundaries
and uninterupted by Spirit
So this is what happens when we decompose -
How interesting!
if not...
Bloated maggots Bloat!
We visit worms and...
they take us home...
We visit other places away from our imaginations
Deep beneath infested soil
Infested with our souls
that sleep restless.
They are lost but have their own place
a place forever changing
undefined by physical boundaries
and uninterupted by Spirit
So this is what happens when we decompose -
How interesting!
if not...
Monday, October 06, 2003
Wouldn't it be nice to know?
Does the door swing both ways?
Once we are gone can we return?
Wouldn't it be nice to know?
But that would defeat the purpose of living.
It would make death uneventful, and,
Unexciting...
It would be like trying something for the first time
But already knowing what will happen.
Death is supposed to be a mystery!
But I wonder,
Is life a mystery to those on the other side?
Are we trapped in a cycle?
Does the door swing both ways?
Once we come can we go?
Wouldn't it be nice to know?
Once we are gone can we return?
Wouldn't it be nice to know?
But that would defeat the purpose of living.
It would make death uneventful, and,
Unexciting...
It would be like trying something for the first time
But already knowing what will happen.
Death is supposed to be a mystery!
But I wonder,
Is life a mystery to those on the other side?
Are we trapped in a cycle?
Does the door swing both ways?
Once we come can we go?
Wouldn't it be nice to know?
Sunday, October 05, 2003
6 to None
As it's coming up to exam time again, here's one I wrote while preparing for my TEE.
6 to None
The countdown has begun,
Soon we shall know what we know,
Soon they shall know what we know,
Soon it shall be over.
We are given advice,
We soon forget It
Doesn't help much.
It's different in there to out here.
HELP!
We need it.
Everybody makes it out to be so simple
But it isn't.
They quantify it where it can't be quantified.
Months of preparatory action
But what for?
It isn't any help
You'd have to be a genius
This is wrong-
This is not a satisfactory test
It isn't the real world.
We won't us any of this
Or will we?
It is impossible to know
Oh well...
...back to the study.
6 to None
The countdown has begun,
Soon we shall know what we know,
Soon they shall know what we know,
Soon it shall be over.
We are given advice,
We soon forget It
Doesn't help much.
It's different in there to out here.
HELP!
We need it.
Everybody makes it out to be so simple
But it isn't.
They quantify it where it can't be quantified.
Months of preparatory action
But what for?
It isn't any help
You'd have to be a genius
This is wrong-
This is not a satisfactory test
It isn't the real world.
We won't us any of this
Or will we?
It is impossible to know
Oh well...
...back to the study.
Friday, October 03, 2003
My Dig at the English Language
Thursday, October 02, 2003
Room With A View
This is the speech that I gave at Swan Toastmasters International Speech Contest.
Dark, but uplifting.
Room With a View
I am so cold.
The damp air chills me to the bone
The rough concrete sucks my innre heat from me
An icy drop of condensation drips onto my cheek from the underside of the bridge.
I am so cold.
I shiver and wrap my jacket around me even tighter to preserve what little heat remains within me.
I am so cold.
I exhale and watch the little white cloud form before me.
I inhale the cold air into my core. The mell of week old bait and fish guts overwhelmes my sense of smell as another wave of nausea overcomes me and I begin to shiver uncontrollably.
This is the fourth time that I have woken tonight - it is hard to sleep when you are so cold. But at least there are less than 3 hours remaining until the warmth of the morning sun ends the pain ofthe cold.
I know this because most of the city's street lights are off, and they usually stay lit until 3AM.
I look across the Swan River from beneath the Narros Bridge and see the warm light from the top floor of the Peninsula Hotel - A Room With a View is what the neon sign says.
I wonder what's happening up there tonight, in that warm light? I wonder what they can see from that top floor?
Not me of course. I am one of the Invisibles, one of Perth's Underculture, one of the Lost Generation.
I force myself to feel the warmth of that top floor party, and fall back into a fitful sleep.
It's morning. The sun is up.
I get to my feet and fish in my pockets for the bread roll that I picked up from the crate of leftovers left outside the bakery last night.
What a FANTASTIC Day. I have food and I'm going to uni. I am Lucky - I am going places!
I work hard at uni over the next three months and struggle in my day to day quest for survival. Life is hard, but I guess that's the price that you pay for independence, and having a burning desire to acheive on your own.
At the end of the university semester, I am blessed. I manage to get a vacation job working on the mines in Kambalda - Western Australia.
I seize the opportunity with both hands. While the other students are partying and drinking, I am studying and saving my money. That money is used to pay for my last 2 years at university.
Unfortunately, at the end of those two years, the bottom has fallen out of the gold price, and hence the mining industry in Australia in general. There are no jobs for metallurgists.
Again, I am lucky, and am offered honours, along with a $7000 stipend.
I accept, and I work extremely hard to complete my project. Seven Days a week for 15 months and finally I submit my thesis and receive my degree, first class honours and most importantly, a job offer from my honours sponsor.
It would have been so easy to give up, when I was under that bridge, but I had a fire in my belly to keep the cold at bay. I had a vision. I had a burning desire to return to the Swan River and to enjoy the view.
Last Christmas. December 20th. My current employer invited me to their christmas function - at the Peninsula Hotel. Dressed in a Top-Hat and Tails I emerged to the warmth and friendliness of my team from work, on to the top floor.
What a fantastic evening. Fabulous food, great wine, and the most congenial company one could wish for.
During that night, I took some time out for myself, and wandered over to the window and looked out across the Swan River at the South Perth foreshore. I looked at the lights, the peaceful river, and as my vision tracked across to the right eventually at the Narrows Bridge.
With a tear in my eye, I remembered looking at this room on that cold night a few years earlier. I HAD MADE IT!!!
I was a success.
Now I see this as only a small step in a much larger journey. I still have that burning desire. I still have that passion that will see me soar even higher and acheive so much more.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Fellow Toastmasters - I would like to leave you with a message tonight for those times when things feel so overwhelming, for when your goals and dreams seem so far away, and difficult to acheive.
You can give up any time...
So why give up now?
Dark, but uplifting.
Room With a View
I am so cold.
The damp air chills me to the bone
The rough concrete sucks my innre heat from me
An icy drop of condensation drips onto my cheek from the underside of the bridge.
I am so cold.
I shiver and wrap my jacket around me even tighter to preserve what little heat remains within me.
I am so cold.
I exhale and watch the little white cloud form before me.
I inhale the cold air into my core. The mell of week old bait and fish guts overwhelmes my sense of smell as another wave of nausea overcomes me and I begin to shiver uncontrollably.
This is the fourth time that I have woken tonight - it is hard to sleep when you are so cold. But at least there are less than 3 hours remaining until the warmth of the morning sun ends the pain ofthe cold.
I know this because most of the city's street lights are off, and they usually stay lit until 3AM.
I look across the Swan River from beneath the Narros Bridge and see the warm light from the top floor of the Peninsula Hotel - A Room With a View is what the neon sign says.
I wonder what's happening up there tonight, in that warm light? I wonder what they can see from that top floor?
Not me of course. I am one of the Invisibles, one of Perth's Underculture, one of the Lost Generation.
I force myself to feel the warmth of that top floor party, and fall back into a fitful sleep.
It's morning. The sun is up.
I get to my feet and fish in my pockets for the bread roll that I picked up from the crate of leftovers left outside the bakery last night.
What a FANTASTIC Day. I have food and I'm going to uni. I am Lucky - I am going places!
I work hard at uni over the next three months and struggle in my day to day quest for survival. Life is hard, but I guess that's the price that you pay for independence, and having a burning desire to acheive on your own.
At the end of the university semester, I am blessed. I manage to get a vacation job working on the mines in Kambalda - Western Australia.
I seize the opportunity with both hands. While the other students are partying and drinking, I am studying and saving my money. That money is used to pay for my last 2 years at university.
Unfortunately, at the end of those two years, the bottom has fallen out of the gold price, and hence the mining industry in Australia in general. There are no jobs for metallurgists.
Again, I am lucky, and am offered honours, along with a $7000 stipend.
I accept, and I work extremely hard to complete my project. Seven Days a week for 15 months and finally I submit my thesis and receive my degree, first class honours and most importantly, a job offer from my honours sponsor.
It would have been so easy to give up, when I was under that bridge, but I had a fire in my belly to keep the cold at bay. I had a vision. I had a burning desire to return to the Swan River and to enjoy the view.
Last Christmas. December 20th. My current employer invited me to their christmas function - at the Peninsula Hotel. Dressed in a Top-Hat and Tails I emerged to the warmth and friendliness of my team from work, on to the top floor.
What a fantastic evening. Fabulous food, great wine, and the most congenial company one could wish for.
During that night, I took some time out for myself, and wandered over to the window and looked out across the Swan River at the South Perth foreshore. I looked at the lights, the peaceful river, and as my vision tracked across to the right eventually at the Narrows Bridge.
With a tear in my eye, I remembered looking at this room on that cold night a few years earlier. I HAD MADE IT!!!
I was a success.
Now I see this as only a small step in a much larger journey. I still have that burning desire. I still have that passion that will see me soar even higher and acheive so much more.
Ladies and Gentlemen, Fellow Toastmasters - I would like to leave you with a message tonight for those times when things feel so overwhelming, for when your goals and dreams seem so far away, and difficult to acheive.
You can give up any time...
So why give up now?
Wednesday, October 01, 2003
Why... ...thee?
What gives woman the unearthly power to break man?
Why does she want to do it?
Is it revenge?
Is it fear?
Or is it materialism ruling her heart?
Has she been corrupted?
Why hasn't man protected himself, through thought to avoid it?
Why isn't man able to overcome the black heart of a woman?
Why does man keep coming back for more?
Is man destined to be the victim...
...for the rest of eternity?
I HOPE NOT!
Why does she want to do it?
Is it revenge?
Is it fear?
Or is it materialism ruling her heart?
Has she been corrupted?
Why hasn't man protected himself, through thought to avoid it?
Why isn't man able to overcome the black heart of a woman?
Why does man keep coming back for more?
Is man destined to be the victim...
...for the rest of eternity?
I HOPE NOT!
