Dark Thoughts

Well, it's weigh in time again.

I'm down to 100.0 kg, so still heading in the right direction. Jodie and I joined a gym this week, and had one workout before getting sick again and spending most of the rest of the week recovering. We're planning on another workout tonight, and for the rest of the week, now that we are feeling a bit better. The weekend came at a good time, because it allowed us the chance to get the rest that was required. I also managed to spend half a day doing some more gardening and have finished with the cooch in the back yard. I'm in the process of spreading sand in preparation for the paving.

Sunday was my nieces 4th birthday party, so Jodie and I attended, supervised the fairy bread distribution and had a pretty mellow and fun afternoon, before heading off to the movies. We saw The Island last night. Not a bad movie. Lots of action, though it was quite reminiscent of Logan's Run, I felt, though the focus has shifted from a fear of overpopulation, to the cloning debate. This is much, much slicker than Logan's Run, though the old skool feel of the older movie is one of it's attracting features.

In other news, I've been continuing to diagnose problems with my mLAN setup. It seems that Microsoft have kind of killed the parallel port support with Win XP Service Pack 2, and the Quatech Parallel Port card for my Laptop has been causing me no end of drama's. As soon as I insert it, mLAN dies, and I get some very nasty Cubase crashes. I tried Cubase last night, without the card, and while I still got the occasional glitch, I did have continuous audio and could probably work under those conditions without too much of a problem. I'm going to try to return the parallel port card because of the incompatibility problems, and instead buy a new MIDI interface, that runs off the USB buss.

That should provide some measure of future proofing. I'll pick up an adaptec PCMCIA firewire card as well, which should improve the glitching problems I've been experiencing with mLAN.

Hopefully then, I can get back to some music, rather than trying to solve computer problems.

I got my latest travelling itenerary today as well, and, well, it's caused some friction.

Jodie wants to travel, which is cool, and my company requires me to travel for business. Jodie resents that I need to travel, and she has to stay home, and I feel like I'm being torn. On the one hand I want Jodie to be with me while I'm away, but the reality of these business trips is that there would be precious little time that we could spend together. I can see a situation where I'm being resented for having to go to meetings, and for not spending the time with Jodie in a foreign country that she deserves. It's a no win situation and it leaves both Jodie and I feeling pretty bad. I feel a lot of sympathy for Jodie, and I realize that she hasn't experienced being in a foreign land and having long, demanding days of travel and meetings. To her it seems like business travel is a bit of a lark, and something pretty mellow and relaxing, which is a common misconception, I feel.

If you talk to most frequent, international business travellers, the story is universally the same. The travel, living out of a suitcase, in a strange land, long days, intense meetings and busy schedules, really do take their toll on you. It's mentally exhausting. I try to explain this to Jodie, but I honestly don't think that she understands.

What I am most afraid of, is that I take her on a trip where I'm expected to be at continuous meetings and have mine visits for days on end and where she is left in a hotel room to fend for herself. If it were me in this situation, I would hate it. I would feel like I had been abandoned. It would be difficult to be in contact with her during the day, because I would be in a meeting, that requires my full attention, so having a long conversation on the phone during the day, is pretty much out of the question. I would much rather travel with her somewhere, where we both have time off, and where we can actually enjoy the trip. We can take our time to see the place, to immerse ourselves in the culture, and experience the destination together. This is my intention.

I'm really not sure what to do. I'm happy to take Jodie with me on my business trips, but I honestly don't think that it would be an enjoyable experience. I don't enjoy business trips much at the best of times, and at the end of a day just want to sleep. This would be the only time I would get to see Jodie, and I think that my desire to sleep and rest, rather than getting out and experiencing the place would be seen as a stifling influence on Jodie's trip. I don't want this.

I want us both to enjoy the experience and to enjoy getting out and about. I'm not sure how to get this accross to Jodie. I don't know how to explain to her that I would love to share the experience of being overseas with her, but that business trips are extremely busy times for me.

I wish I knew best how to balance the demands placed on me. I want to take Jodie with me when I travel, but I feel that she wouldn't enjoy it, especially as her first experience overseas. It can be frightening going through customs and into a foreign land for the first time, where you don't know what to expect. Sometimes I feel that we could have a great time, but other times I feel that it may be a little overwhelming for her, and I'd be caught in a dilemma where I'd want to stay by her side but be required to be at a meeting, which is the purpose for my travel.

I'd certainly like her to accompany me at some stage. If she enjoy's it, then that would be great, but I suspect that she'd find such business trips as draining as I would. I certainly like her to experience foreign cultures and places, but to do so in the best way, which is where I can dedicate my time to her, and the shared experience, especially on her first few trips, while she gets comfortable with the whole international travel thing. Once she's found her feet, then I'd like to take every opportunity to introduce her to new places, and I could be confident that she will enjoy herself and get by in a place where no-one speaks English and your only form of communication is the often vague translations provided in the lonely planet guides.

I'm beginning to dread telling her that the company has arranged for me to travel again, because the reaction I get is almost universally anger and resentment. I feel for her, but at the same time, I don't believe that I deserve that sort of reaction for doing my job.

Travel was exciting for the first 2 or 3 trips, overseas, but I see it more as a necessary evil, now days.